“What can you actually Control?”

This is a common question people ask when someone is stressed about a situation or difficult decision. While the question is meant to help, it can sometimes feel overly simple or even dismissive. Focusing only on what you can control does not make the situation disappear or instantly remove stress.

One tool I find helpful is the Circles of Control model. It helps identify what is truly within our control so we can loosen our grip on the things that are not.

The outer and largest circle is the Circle of Concern. This includes all the things you may worry about or care deeply about but ultimately cannot change or control.

The middle circle is the Circle of Influence. These are areas where you may have some ability to guide, encourage, or influence outcomes, but you still cannot fully determine what happens.

The smallest inner circle is the Circle of Control. This circle is intentionally small because it contains the things you can directly control, mainly your own actions, responses, choices, and behaviors.

When we focus on ourselves, we can begin learning how to regulate our nervous system and care for ourselves in ways that support clearer thinking and healthier responses to stress. Nervous system regulation, often reduced to the unhelpful phrase “calm down,” is really about helping the body feel safe enough to slow the heart rate, steady breathing, and reduce overwhelm. This creates more space for thoughtful decision-making instead of reacting from stress or anxiety.

Regulation also affects the people around us. Through something called co-regulation, our nervous systems naturally respond to one another. When someone is calm and grounded, others often begin to feel calmer too. Likewise, stress and tension can spread just as easily. Our brains are wired to pick up on these signals, often without words ever being spoken.

Approaching a stressful situation from a calmer and clearer state can also increase creativity, flexibility, and problem-solving. It becomes easier to consider new ideas and possible solutions instead of feeling stuck.

Throughout our newsletters, we have shared simple practices that support regulation and stress management. A few examples include:

• Breathing exercises

• Walking or other physical activity

• Spending time outside

• Listening to music

  
  

The goal is not to ignore stress or pretend difficult situations do not exist. Instead, the Circles of Control model can help us direct our energy toward the areas where our actions and choices can make the greatest difference. Sometimes that small shift in focus can create a little more clarity, steadiness, and room to move forward.